Tainted Love Read online

  I laugh and tilt my head.

  “That’s doubtful, Mother. You’ve only been together for a couple of weeks.”

  “Long enough to know he’s a good man, wouldn’t you say?”

  Her arrogant face makes me want to barf, and I’d love to tell her how her “good man” let me suck his dick.

  “Sure, whatever you say… I just came to get a few things though, so if you wouldn’t mind…”

  She opens the door and gestures at me to walk ahead of her, and then my heart stops as I exchange stares with Gabe.

  “Whiskey and I were just leaving,” I mention, grabbing Pax’s arm.

  “Nonsense,” Mother says, “Natasha is about to start breakfast; why don’t the two of you join us?”

  “What? Why?” I swallow.

  “So, we can chat about the trip of course… right, Gabe?”

  I glance at Gabe and he nods.

  “Right… I’m taking your mother somewhere very special,” Gabe confirms.

  “Interesting,” I mumble, turning to Pax. As usual, he says nothing and just stands there monitoring the situation.

  “Pax and I are busy we have prior engagements,” I blabber out.

  “No we don’t. Breakfast sounds good… we’ll be down in a few minutes.”

  My mouth parts, and I frown at Pax, appalled.

  “Well don’t take your time,” Mother says. “You know I hate it when the food sits uncovered for too long.”

  She takes Gabe’s offered arm and they head downstairs.

  “What the fuck, Pax?” I hiss, smacking him on the bicep.

  “What?” he smiles. “I’m hungry and I want to hear about the trip.”

  “Cut the crap. Why do you want to suffer through a meal with those two?”

  “Why not? I thought you said the lawyer schmuck is a descent person.”

  “He is! But it doesn’t mean I want to sit down to breakfast with them and act like we are a family for shit’s sake!”

  “Oh, come on, if we are going to stick around here for another three and a half years, we might as well try to make the best of it. And I promise, if anything comes flying at your head, I will catch it,” he teases.

  I roll my eyes and sigh, annoyed.

  “It’s not funny, and this is a very bad idea.”

  “Vixen…” he says with concern, “why do I get the feeling there is something you aren’t telling me?”

  My chest floods with guilt as I study the distress on his face.

  “I don’t know, Pax, maybe it’s because you have a guilty conscience for whatever it is you do on all of those glory rides you keep taking.”

  “Why are you bringing that up right now? I think you’re deflecting. What is this really about?”

  Great, now I’ve set off his red flag alert.

  “Stop looking at me like that, you know what this is about. I just don’t want to sit through a breakfast with Satan, that’s it!”

  “Alright,” he sighs, “I’ll drop it for now, but we are going to eat with them, so move your ass.”

  I’m fuming inside, knowing that I have to give in, or he will become more suspicious if I keep fighting him on it.

  I take a seat at the dining table, unhappy that Gabe is sitting in my father’s seat at the head of the table while making disgusting googly eyes at my mother sitting directly across from him. Pax takes a seat to my right, likely so that he can catch whatever Satan decides to launch at me before this event is through. I know it’s not a matter of if, but a matter of when.

  “So, Helen,” Pax pipes up, “tell us about this trip you’re taking… Kirsten told me once how much you loved your time in Rio when Robert used to take you there. Is that where you and the schmuck are heading?”

  I choke down a slice of bacon, trying not to laugh as Natasha fills my glass with orange juice.

  “No, we are heading to a beautiful villa on the sands of Morocco actually, and darling, please address my lover as Gabe, will you?”

  Pax nods and I roll my eyes to the fact she called him her lover. Gross! And Morocco my ass. I hope that’s code for rehab.

  “It’s fine, Helen,” Gabe states. “I’m not easily offended by men who can’t seem to hold down a job or get an education, let alone enter into a committed relationship with a woman.”

  Every hair on my body rises as I take in his statement, watching Pax’s face do nothing more than smile and nod in Gabe’s direction.

  “Schmuck still about covers it,” Pax says nonchalantly.

  “What in the fuck is wrong with you, Gabe?” I ask, deadpanning with him. “You don’t even know Pax, let alone Satan over there and you think you have a fucking right to an opinion at this table? Well, guess what, Wallstreet, you don’t.”

  Gabe shrugs and says nothing back, just bites into a slice of toast with his eyes bolted to Pax’s.

  “Alright, boys, let’s try to be civil” mother intervenes. “Kirsten, what is that you are wearing around your neck? Have you taken up religion recently?”

  “No mother, I haven’t, it’s a gift from Pax if you have to know.”

  “Good, because I have to say there is no God that will look upon your faults and forgive you for being such a disappointment to this family.”

  “Well, then it’s a good thing I don’t need God’s approval. Besides I’m pretty sure that being born to you instantly disqualified me from ever being blessed by God’s good graces.”

  Mother laughs, pleased with herself as she takes a sip of wine and I feel Pax squeeze my thigh as if to let me know he’s got my back.

  “You know,” Mother starts in, again, “I remember a time not so long ago when I felt the exact same way about my mother, God, she was a wretched thing. You ought to consider yourself fortunate that she passed before you were born, Kirsten. That woman…” she pauses in thought, “if you think I am the Devil, well, let me tell you, she must have been the Antichrist. It makes me wonder what your daughter will think of you one day.”

  I glare at her and shake my head with a smirk, knowing she’s trying to curse me.

  “I won’t be having kids, Mother, so I guess we’ll never know.”

  “Whatever do you mean? Don’t you think you should consider that Pax might want children even if you don’t?”

  “Seriously, Satan!” I shout standing instantly enraged. “What me or Pax want is none of your business, and if you were half of the mother you should have been, you would fucking know that we aren’t even dating, you contrite, self-centered cunt!”

  Mother stands just as quickly, her eyes narrowed, and her fist white-knuckled from gripping her fork.

  Pax stands saying nothing but blocking me with his body.

  “Drop the fork please, Helen,” Gabe states, now standing as well.

  “Yeah, Helen, please do. It would be greatly appreciated,” Pax adds.

  I peek around Pax’s body at my mother’s hostile expression and watch her hesitantly place the fork down on the table.

  “Fine, you win for now, Kirsten, seeing as how these two always come to your aide as if I’m some kind of monster.”

  She covers her face and begins to cry, but I can tell its fake, one of her dramatic performances.

  Falling for it, Gabe makes his way over, wraps his arm around her shoulder, and then leads her out to the sitting room as I roll my eyes and cram another piece of bacon into my mouth.

  “Never a dull moment is there?” Pax says, taking his seat.

  “Nope.”

  “Why have you never told her that I can’t have kids?”

  His question catches me off guard and I stare at him, lost in the man who seems to be an imposter, not the Pax I know who never talks about his inability to bear children.

  “Why would I tell her that? She would ask questions, and how exactly would I explain it to her? I don’t even understand all of it myself.”

  “You could have just told her I was born sterile; it happens you know.”

  “Yeah, well with my luck, she wo
uld have labelled your dick as an absolute must-try… the way she always flirts with you is bad enough as it is, thanks.”

  He takes my hand and holds it in his lap.

  “You know I think we should adopt one day, right? I mean as soon as you get over the whole we aren’t together shit and actually believe I’m not going anywhere, and I’m not interested in hate-fucking your mom.”

  I smile at his beautiful grin that emits nothing but genuine honesty.

  “I still can’t believe you want kids after everything you’ve been through.”

  He shrugs and nods, completely confident.

  “Of course. Little badass Vixens and Whiskeys, we could love the hell out of and show them the awesome parts of who we are. Don’t you want that too?”

  I lift a shoulder, unable to look him in the eyes any longer. It’s too much, seeing him so excited while I feel so guilty about so many things.

  “I don’t know, Pax. I’m on the fence about it. I’m not feeling well, so I think I’ll head back to the guesthouse and nap,” I say as I stand.

  “Is it because I mentioned kids?”

  “No… I’m just still feeling the effects of my hangover,” I lie. “Meet me there when you’re finished?”

  “You know it,” he says kissing my hand.

  When I think about the kind of man Pax is, I know I have got to be the luckiest person on the planet to be loved by him. And if I am completely honest with myself, I know either way, if he screwed Satan or not, I would still be in love with him, and I’d probably forgive him. I can also admit that every time he leaves, in my heart, I know he’s coming back.

  The thing that terrifies me about giving in and making us official has nothing to do with who he is, but it has everything to do with who I am.

  Six

  The Secrets We Keep

  The tension between Pax and Gabe has continued to grow over the last week, and it is at an all-time high. They literally can’t pass by each other without having a verbal pissing match and it’s infuriating. It’s gotten to the point where I can’t even enter the main house because Pax refuses to let me go alone, and Gabe, the fucking dickwad, is always walking around shirtless as if he owns the place and tries to make small talk with me about the upcoming trip.

  Thank God they are leaving tonight.

  I haven’t even been able to find out if it’s a real trip to Morocco or an actual plan to throw Satan’s ass in rehab, because there is no getting Pax off of my ass long enough to ask Gabe.

  I guess it really doesn’t matter though… I’ll gladly take a week or two away from Mother.

  As for me and Pax, it’s Friday, so we are preparing for another kegger down at the Club.

  Jack and Jimmy are hosting which is nice because it means I’m free to drink and destress while they hold down the fort and holy hell do, I need this.

  It’s been insane trying to avoid Pax’s hate-fuck advances all week. I can tell he knows something’s up, so I figure once I’m drunk my conscience won’t be an issue anymore because fuck am I horny.

  I glance over at Pax, watching as he sets up the folding chairs around the tables. I’m excited because tonight we get to test out the new sound system Jimmy installed, and I know what song is going on full blast first. Tonight is going to be a bash we will never forget.

  “Are you daydreaming right now?” Pax asks, tossing his shirt at me.

  “Yep! I totally was… and why may I ask, are you stripping?”

  “I’m hot.”

  I laugh at his childish grin.

  “I can see that, but you make my job difficult when you force me to stare at all of those uncaged creatures,” I admit, continuing to apply new drip spouts to the liquor bottles.

  “Well, I can easily correct the issue for you, Vix. My anaconda has definitely been feeling a bit neglected lately, and the sight of you in that skin-tight dress is also quite distracting.”

  “Too bad,” I mutter, trying to ignore him, “we have less than an hour to get this place ready and I haven’t even started polishing the glasses yet.”

  “Excuses…” he states, jerking the bottle from my hand. “I’m getting tired of them,” he says, pressing his nose to mine. “It’s been a week of this shit already, and either you are going to tell me what’s up, or I’m just going to have to hate-fuck it out of you.”

  The warning growl, great.

  His scent alone is intoxicating, but it’s his hand underneath my skirt and in between my legs that has my attention and forces me to swallow.

  “Nothing’s up, Pax.”

  “Then stop pretending you don’t want this,” he says, continuing to taunt me with his hand. “You’re already damp which means you want this dick… so will you please stop avoiding me and let me do what I do best?”

  “I fucking can’t!” I snap. “Now just go and finish setting up the chairs already!”

  He raises his hands in the air and backs off, his face riddled with concern.

  “Fuck, Kirsten, I don’t get you right now. It’s like you have all of this pent-up emotion, yet you refuse to let me in on the issue, let alone ease you down, and I just want you to talk to me.”

  “Well I can’t because there is nothing to talk about, now just drop it please.”

  I watch him set up the last of the chairs before he grabs his jacket and heads toward the door.

  “I need some air, so I’m going for a ride.”

  “Fine… I guess I don’t need to ask if you plan to come back or not.”

  “I’m not leaving the Hill if that’s what you mean… and even if I was—”

  “Yeah I know,” I bark, cutting him off, “you always come back.”

  He walks toward me and slams his helmet on the countertop, startling me.

  “Is that what this is about? You still think I’m going to just up and leave you, never to return?”

  “No, I don’t think that,” I hiss, exasperated. “I just have other things on my mind, okay?”

  “Then what? Just fucking tell me! Is it because I mentioned wanting kids? Christ, Kirsten! You used to tell me everything.”

  “And you still never tell me anything,” I undertone. He’s trying to back me into a corner, and I hate feeling like this.

  “Then tell me what you want to know, and I’ll answer.”

  “Really?” I ask, studying his face. I can tell he’s completely serious.

  “Mmm-hmmm,” he nods, “but I can’t promise you will like the answers.”

  “I don’t need to like them, Pax, I just don’t want to feel shut out anymore.”

  “Neither does my anaconda,” he teases, taking a seat. “So, what’s on your mind?”

  I shrug, knowing the things I want to ask are private, so I pour him a glass of whiskey and slide it to him.

  “Where do you go when you leave?”

  He takes a mouthful and swallows as his old-world blue eyes meet mine, and he takes a deep breath.

  “Fairmount, it’s a small town about a six-hour ride from here. I visit with a few friends, check up on them, and make sure they’re doing okay. They are the closest thing I have to family besides you.”

  “Are they the same people you grew up with from when you were—”

  I can’t even say it, but I can see he understands what topic I’m pursuing.

  He nods.

  “We don’t talk about it though, not since the imposters got caught, tried, and convicted. But somehow they were only sentenced to ten years plus time served. It’s a slap in the fucking face really, but I guess that’s what happens when you’re a sick fuck with a powerful defense attorney.”

  My mouth parts and I stare at him, shocked and wondering why he never told me they’d been caught. I have so many questions, and I need a drink now.

  “How long until they get out, Pax?”

  The question comes out before I can stop it and I’m not sure I even want the answer.

  He swirls the glass of whiskey before he swallows it back and slams the glass
down on the table.

  “They got released last year. I have no clue where they went but if they’re smart, they had better be in hiding,” he warns. “But the lawyer on the other hand, I know exactly where that fucking smug prick lives. I’ve paid him a few visits too.” His tone is filled with sinister vibes.

  “What do you mean visits?”

  “Let’s just say that the less you know, the better. I was doing what I had to. Can we be done with the questions for now?”

  I nod, taking in the way his hand trembles as he lifts his glass gesturing for a refill.

  “I’ll leave it alone for tonight, but I still have questions. Thank you for letting me in,” I say, planting a kiss on his whiskey lined lips.

  “You’re welcome,” he winks, “but now it’s your turn.”

  “My turn for what?”

  “To tell me why you’ve been so off lately.”

  I glance up to the sound of the door creak open and see Jimmy enter, instantly relieved.

  “We will talk about this later, I promise,” I whisper. “Hey, Jimmy! Where’s your clone?” I ask, noticing his brother isn’t with him.

  “What’s up you two? Jack had a few errands to run, but he should be here by the time the party is in full swing. Did you have a chance to check out the sound system?”

  “Not yet,” Pax says, giving him the brotherly embrace. “Vixen’s been too busy maintaining the liquor spouts and I’ve been setting up chairs for two hours.”

  “Well, it is work before play as they say,” Jimmy states, “I’ll go turn it up and test it out while you two finish up with the bar.”

  “Thanks, Jimmy,” I say, handing him a beer.

  The bass from the music is strong, causing the walls to rattle as Jimmy cranks the tunes and people start to pile in, including Jack. I let the two brothers take over doling out the drinks while Pax collects his regular fees at the door and I start to wind down, drink in hand, swaying to the music.

  I can’t help but think about the last three years, knowing Pax has not only been trying to keep an eye on his makeshift family, but that he’s been dealing with knowing those sick fucks would be getting out of jail and yet he never said a word to me. It hurts, knowing he didn’t want to confide in me, or maybe he didn’t want to worry me. Either way, I feel like there are still things he’s not telling me, but I’m glad we’ve finally opened a line of communication, and at least I now know where his avid hate for lawyers stems from.